I resigned from my job last week.. It was the first time throughout my 12 years of working professionally that I quit my job before I get a new one.. I felt liberated and yet incredibly anxious at the same time.. I was always the planner, the careful meticulous planner who doesn’t like much surprises.. My colleagues were quite shocked that I quit my job, especially at this point in time when the economy is so bad and lots of people are retrenched or couldn’t find any jobs.. I surprised even myself..
I realized that something was not quite right with me since 6 years ago after I gave birth to my daughter.. I was slowly losing interest in things that used to excite me, it was like there’s a glass panel between me and the world.. But at that point in time, I was also experiencing major stress coping as a new mother, my family had major issues and fights with my husband over how to raise our daughter was very common.. I didn’t pay much attention to it then.. Then things got bad for me at the beginning of 2020.. I mean there wasn’t any drama in my family or my workplace but I found out that I seem to have lost the will to live. I wasn’t trying to attempt suicide or anything but life has lost its meaning for me. I felt such immense guilt especially when I look at my 2 children. I had my son in 2018, 4 years after my daughter was born. When I look at them, I knew that I love them but this love was smothered underneath this thick glass wall that kept me isolated from the whole world. I told my husband and he was dismissive at that time. I remembered that I kind of broke down at that time. He had an aunt who had depression and attempted suicide quite a few times over the years. He attributed it to her “having not much to do and being too free”. I was so angry, I could feel my anger even through this thick glass world. People do not attempt suicide because they are “too free” and “don’t have anything better to do”! Around February this year, his aunt hanged herself and this time, it was permanent. Her husband found her body and had a heart attack. He passed away too. It was a great tragedy. It was then that my husband finally took me seriously.
I’m not sure how things are going to go for me from now on. I think I will be seeking treatment. For now, I’ll be updating my blog as and when I can. I’m not sure.. Thank you for accompanying me even though I do not know you guys in person. And yet surprisingly, sometimes the deepest darkest secrets are easier to share with strangers than your own loved ones.